Are You a Victim of Verbal Abuse?

Filed Under Thoughts from Denise | 40 Comments

This article is intended to help women and men to understand and identify the signs of verbal abuse. Because of events in my life, I have discovered this is my ministry. I have been wandering through life asking myself what is my purpose as I know we all have a purpose through God. I now know my purpose, my ministry, is to enlighten people about verbal abuse and hopefully to save at least one person from its grips. I hope to save many but if I save only one then my ministry has fulfilled its purpose. During a day of ministry from a strong woman of faith, a woman saved from the grips of depression and bi-polar disorder, something important was said, “Pain may be to take you out of your comfort zone to get you where you need to be”. That was my “a ha” moment. Yes my pain has been to get me where I need to be, to my purpose, my calling and my own growth. My purpose is to enlighten as many as I can about verbal abuse. I don’t claim to be an expert in this field but because of personal experiences and the confusion I have felt, I want to guide those that I can. And I want to guide from a secular and spiritual approach. Know that God can heal all through His love. He can also help you deal with this problem. If you are not a believer, I encourage you to read on as you are here because you are searching for help. Somewhere in this article you may receive your “a ha” moment.Verbal abuse can come from parent, spouse, boss, friend, child. It is a confusing situation to be in because, without the knowledge and understanding of this “violence”, you remain in an internal battle trying to decifer what is happening. What you need is knowledge, and as the saying goes, knowledge is power. And power is what you need to stop the verbal abuse. From a secular approach, I highly recommend reading every book by Patricia Evans on this topic such as Controlling People, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Abusive Survivors Speak Out. Patricia Evans has published more books about this topic. Andrew Wommack has several books/CD that address issues such as this; one specifically is Harnessing Your Emotions. This reading is highly beneficial for all involved.

If you are reading this article you are probably confused and needing some type of direction. There are signs that will help you identify if you are caught up in a verbal abusive situation. Such as:

• Do you spend your days with your spouse/person in your relationship wondering when the next little thing is going to cause them to “dump” on you?
• Do you tip toe around hoping to keep things calm?
• Do you constantly wonder what you are doing wrong to cause this person to act out to you in a way that is demeaning?
• Do you treat this person nicer and nicer in hopes that he/she will see you are a nice person and start treating you better?
• Did your spouse treat you better when you dated then after you got married?
• Do you find yourself emotionally troubled to the point of staying sick?
• Do you find this person picking fights with you over things that are insignificant?
• Does this person treat you wonderful in public, in front of family and friends, but once you are out of site of others you are verbally “attacked”?
• Does this person drive recklessly with you in the car when they have reached one of their anger moments?
• Is this person inconsiderate of your feelings, wants or desires?
• Do you feel like your self-esteem has been stolen?
• Is it your relationship getting you down?

If you can relate to any of these points you need to educate yourself by reading the books I mentioned above. But, you are probably in a verbal abusive relationship. In The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans she provided a research study of women that had been physically abused numerous times to the point of requiring medical attention. The study asked these women what was worse, verbal or physical abuse, and the response was, 100% said verbal abuse was worse than physical abuse. The difference in the two, we don’t have bruises to show and prove the oppression we are under in our life when we are verbally abused as compared to someone physically abused. We have nothing to show outwardly as to what is going on behind those closed doors in our so called safe haven. If we try to tell friends or family what is happening we find it hard to describe. We also have to face the fact that everyone on the outside feels like the abuser is such a “nice” person, so friendly and outgoing.

You may be asking, why does this person treat me this way. Patricia Evans describes in her books that as a result of a traumatic experience the person does not develop emotionally into what we see as normal. Or, in my own words, the person is not capable of dealing with reality in the realm of normalcy. To quote scripture, and my opinion of the root of the problem, Psalm 36: 1-4,

1 – An oracle within my heart concerning the transgression of the wicked: There is no fear of God before his eyes.
2- For he flatters himself in his own eyes, when he finds out his iniquity and when he hates.
3- The words of his mouth are wickedness and deceit; he has ceased to be wise and to do good.
4- He devises wickedness on his bed; he sets himself in a way that is not good; he does not abhor evil.

A person that has truly been born again and filled with the Holy Spirit cannot deliver anger to another. God is love. I quote from Andrew Wommack’s book Harnessing Your Emotions, “There are truths and instructions in God’s Word that, if followed and applied, I unconditionally guarantee will cause you to live an emotionally stable life.” “All of our problems began when we separated ourselves from God and began to do our own thing and make our own decisions.”
Emotions, in this case anger, are not something that just happens. We are accountable for our emotions. Anger is a choice. We can choose to be angry or choose understanding and love. Without understanding that we are fully responsible for our actions to each other, that our emotions are not a result of our past, we cannot step out of the chains that bind us. We cannot blame the things of our past for our current behavior, or use the things from our past as a crutch to justify inappropriate behavior. We must seek guidance, spiritually from God’s word. If you are not a spiritual person (but I hope something in this article will move you to find God) then read Patricia Evan’s books for your guidance. Or just read everything you can to help you in your search for help.

There are ways to deal with a verbal abuser. You can stand up for yourself, but do it from love. The love God has for us all. That person that is abusing you, know that God loves that person too. It may be that you are in that person’s life to guide them to where they really need to be. It won’t be easy. Know that once you start to stand up for yourself the abuse my get worse because your abuser will feel out of control by recognizing they are loosing control over you. You must recognize that the abuser doesn’t feel anything (they are unable to fear God). They are unable to recognize their oppressive behavior. Know that the abuser speaks the opposite of the truth. And most of all know that no matter what you say to the abuser they will not believe you are correct in your feelings or thoughts or needs. Don’t let the abuser draw you into any conversation where you feel like your having to justify yourself or the situation. You will get no where. To quote a section of Verbal Abusive Survivors Speak Out on Relationship and Recovery by Patricia Evans, “93% of those who were in verbally abusive relationships were able to recognize that the abuser’s behavior grew worse over time- more abusive, and angrier.” You can try looking at your abuser and just saying Stop. Don’t respond in any other way, just say Stop. Patricia Evans addresses ways to deal with abusive behavior in her books. Please recognize that you are in no way responsible for your abusers behavior. They will try every way to make you feel responsible for all the bizarre behavior that is directed towards you. But stand strong and become empowered. Realize that the person’s behavior is not in alignment with God’s Word. Learn all you can about verbal abuse. Understand that God can help deliver a person from anything that is not good in Gods eyes. You must believe.

You may feel that your self-esteem has been stolen and you need to make yourself whole again. I can tell you that if you get out of the relationship you will feel the pain. I have tried to put my finger on why, even though I know God guided me through my situations, why that “pain” can be so strong when I have the knowledge and understanding. The only answer that makes sense for me is that it is the spirit that is broken. Rebuilding your spirit is a feeling that is beyond words. But I have come to my own way to summarize the pain of rebuilding your spirit. That pain is actually rebuking the devil that tried to enter your spirit to try to destroy you as a child of God. The pain of God helping you in the fight against the devil and pushing the devil out of your spirit, replacing evil with good. Taking back His child and helping make her whole again. Know that God is the reason you are reading this article. Know that you are, from this day forward, going to begin the walk towards creating a whole person again. If you have been in your relationship for 1 year or 40 years you are on the beginning of being empowered.

Earlier I stated that pain may be to take you out of your comfort zone to get you where you need to be. I was taken out of my comfort zone. During an Andrew Wommack gospel seminar on God’s Love I had to swallow my pride and understand the true meaning of forgiveness and being filled with God’s love. Through all of this I have seen that God is the answer for all of our problems. Change your thinking and you will change your outcome. We are what we think. Andrew Wommack has another book that I would highly recommend entitled Anger Management. A must read for understanding anger and God’s intention for this emotion that He gave to us.

If you in any way feel that you may be a victim of verbal abuse I hope you have become
enlightened by this article and I pray that you educate yourself further. Andrew Wommack has numerous publications available through his website: www.awmi.net. Patricia Evans website is: www.verbalabuse.com.

If you would like to leave a comment, at the top of this page click on the word comments then scroll down to the bottom of the page.


Comments

40 Comments so far

  1. Jennifer Jenison on April 2, 2008 2:51 pm

    Wow! I’m so glad I found your article today. Some key things you said really hit home for me in confirming my fears of being in a verbal abuse relationship. My biggest obstacle and fear right now is whether I should leave or stay.

  2. Tracey Ford on May 2, 2008 9:00 am

    You are a God Send to people. I was here 2x in my life and by the Grace of God survived it alone becuase I was too afraid to tell anyone. Please keep going there are plenty of people that need to hear the things you have said.

    God Bless You!

  3. Gina on July 14, 2008 11:35 pm

    You really inspired me to live my purpose because deep inside I want to help people who are in abusive situations to rebuild themselves, just as I had. I read your article and I know exactly how you felt when you got out of that abusive situation. It was like a part of you felt ashamed and wrong (false truth) because the abuser distorts your reality and the other part turns to god to see your truth. I’ve read Patricia Evans on my search towards healing from my verbally and physically abusive father. Some of the scriptures were the same exact words my father spoke, to not only me but girlfriends, his ex wife and us kids. I finally realized the only way I would heal was to end the relationship and learn forgiveness. I pray to god from my heart that I can get past this, and im on my way! You are right that you can’t blame your past for the future. Everytime I have turned to god and spiritually, he brought me to a peaceful place of growth and empowerment. Thanks again for the article and god bless.

  4. Cricket on July 29, 2008 8:18 pm

    I have had abuse in my life since I was a child. I am now 64 and just getting out of another abusive relationship for probably the 4th time. I have been going to a Christian counselor now for the past 2 years. It has really helped – if I can just stay away from this guy, I would be ok. Guess I get lonely and wonder over there after he sweet talks me – just went through another round of abuse yesterday and today feel terrible – any help you can offer would be appreciated. Can’t believe I am so weak.

  5. Lourdes on September 14, 2008 9:45 am

    I want to thank you for doing this page and giving that useful advice and places to find more information about the matter. My biggest problem is not inside my own home meaning my husband and children but with outsiders like my co-workers, bosses, and sometimes friends, in laws, or siblings. Of course I’ve been battling with my own parents for more than 40 years with psychological therapies, but at this point, I feel I’ve reached the point that I’m starting to handle my father and I think that I’m in the middle of the way with my mother. I know that I have the power to overcome all these situations through God’s help and I also think that I need to learn about anger management because those two problems are closely related in my case and I want to be nor the victim neither the perpetrator.

  6. Fel on December 6, 2008 9:30 pm

    I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown trying to survive my relationship with a man dependant on drugs and alcohol. The only thing that saved me was turning back to God. If i had truly been living by His Word i would not be in the mess i am in. But i am praying every day for the strength I need to survive until the end of our lease. I also pray that he too will turn to God, but i can’t do more than that. It is so bad now that i find i start the fights to get it over and done with. He is now telling me that I am abusive and I am standing to question if he is right. I feel like I am living with someone posessed by satan and that the more i stand up for myself and turn to God the more he fights back. I would appreciate your prayers.

  7. Confused on January 31, 2009 6:14 am

    Hi,
    I am a victim of chronic verbal abuse. I am a man. I attempted suicide 3 days ago.In the worst moments of that I day,I somehow pulled myself to read your article among others. I am still badly effected and have bought Pat Evans book for further knowledge. I am in a relationship for over a year. I am not married yet. I did many things, in the name of love to cope with verbal abuse and extreme name calling, often believing its my fault and consequently apologizing. In the initial stages, I could bear it but it became worse. I started self harming, often crying and slapping myself and beating myself up in order to relieve myself of the emotional pain. I was then accused to be a psycho for beating myself up. The abuse did not stop. I have been threatened on being dumped all the time. I lost myself now. I hope my story would help others to realise if they go thru the same. I believe, no matter what, if you love someone, profanity and verbal abuse should never happen. I am looking to rebuild myself again, as I need to find the strength to move forward positively.

  8. Renee on February 2, 2009 3:40 pm

    I am a verbally abused victim. I have been married for 21 years and have a daugher 19 and son 17. I am 45 and I am finally realizing I have been verbally abused. My daughter, son and I are going through christian counseling and I am in the process of leaving. But I am somewhat scared because we have a home together and I want to sale the house so I can get another home by myself. I am going to tell him with his parents and my pastor present so it will be some accountability. He thinks alot of his mom. My husband has caused anger in my kids, and I have been a wife who has lived a closed door life for years. The screams, threats and control sometimes leaves me in a room crying for a long time. My husband does not even take care of his responsibilities in the home like he suppose to and I have been hiding that and making him look good in front of others for 21 years. I have been his help mate and he has never seen it. I needed to be reassured that I am doing the right thing. I can sometimes remember the horrible way he has treated me and I thought I was all alone. I needed to hear that you overcame by the blood of the lamb and the word of your testimony. Rev 12:11. I have had many medical problems, thyroid problems, bells palsy, diagnosed with a muscle disease called polymyositis and recently was put on blood pressure medicine. My friend who is a physician assistant said it is stress. Well I know this is long but thanks for reading.

  9. janet on February 9, 2009 12:08 am

    Thanks for writing this article. It really hits home for me. I’ve been seperated from my husband for 4 months. I endured his verbal abuse for 20 years. Our kids have suffered along with me. I just wanted it to stop and finally convinced him to leave. My husband is in ministry, is outgoing and well liked. But at home his anger ruled us all. It’s been tough because recently i’ve begun to miss him and it’s lonely at times without him. But the new found peace I have in my home is what keeps me going. I’m trying to wait on the Lord to guide everything I do now. If I were allowed to share one tidbit of advise it would be to slow down,listen and wait on the Lord. I’ve gotten myself into so much trouble making decisions without Him.

  10. Brenda on February 15, 2009 11:52 am

    Thank you so much for writing this article. I’m so inspired by the advice given. I was only in the abusive situation for 6 months, but it felt like i was in the sitation for ever. This person violated me more ways than i’m willing to say and I kept going back for more because some how, i thought i was doing something to cause his abusive behavior. I was confiding in my friends but they kept making excuses for him and telling me that i should give it time because it takes time to make a relationship work. But deep down in side, i knew it was not me. I’ve never been in an absuive relationship, therefore, i did not no the signes. I’m a beliver that everything happens for a reason. Hinsight is 20/20 and you can’t see certain things when your are caught up with the abuser. I recived my Ah ha moment. I beleive i was suppose to meet this person in order to learn certain things about myself. My lesson from this abusive situation (can’t call it a realtionship)is to love myself no matter what the abuser is telling you. I thank god for this site, because their are so many women out here who is suffering in silence.

  11. Mike Hall on August 6, 2009 1:55 pm

    Greetings from Denver!

    Thought you might appreciate this poem written about verbal abuse in childhood.

    Have a great day!

    Mike Hall

    The Broken Child
    By Mike Hall

    Your voice was like thunder
    that rocked my room and my world.
    It shook my soul and crushed my spirit.
    Where it came from doesn’t matter.
    You were wrong…
    the first time
    and the last.
    There are no excuses
    and I am not to blame.
    I will not accept that it was
    just your way of letting off steam.
    Dad, you were a volcano
    erupting near my heart.
    It wasn’t smoke and ash
    that I feared,
    it was the suffocating thought
    that tortured my brain…
    the thought that there was nothing,
    nothing in the world
    that I could do,
    to make you love the broken child
    that was too scared to speak
    and too hurt to cry.

  12. Esther on October 12, 2009 9:18 pm

    I have been seperated for 15 months from a 26yr marriage of verbal and emotional abuse, I have 3 children that have suffered their own abuse, what a shame I did not leave in time for them to see what a normal life could be but I know God protected us. However the pain and anger is present in our life, and now we trying to move on after relocating to a new home and state. After reading Patricia Evans book I relized that we were being abused and knew I had to do something, and now I am very glad I did because I am a child of God, I am a good person and not who I was defined to be. Thank you for giving us a chance to tell our story.

  13. RonNe on February 27, 2010 1:52 pm

    I was verbally abused by my half sister..I never knew what was going on until I gave my life to Christ.. my eyes were open to see what she was doing..The scary thing about verbal abuse is the “crazy-making” to me..The abuser makes u feel like ur are just sensitive or they disguise it as a joke..Christ gave me the strength to stand up to her..we I exposed her it wasn’t nice at all. She denied, played the victim and then verbally assault me horribly..I just remained calm and told her the Truth..I’m still healing and with God’s grace I’m walking in the Truth of what He says about me..Verbal abuse is ugly,soooo ugly and evil..I pray for people who are victims..because I was victim I becoming an abuser for a while before I found Christ..God saved me:)

  14. Lohe on March 7, 2010 5:08 am

    Thank you so much for your words. Now, I do have a question. How do you deal with an abuser that is trying to make you believe that the one that is the abuser is you (in this case me)because in the arguments I am defending myself when he is pouring his poison on me? That’s what my husband does. He says that the one being cruel and evil is me. But it is not like that, I am just defending myself from what he says. I have even said stop, and that does nothing to him. He keeps calling me names, and telling me really hurtful things. Like I am worse than his ex-wife, etc. Any comments?

  15. on April 13, 2010 1:25 pm

    I am 51 years old, I have been trying so hard to get myself and 2 children, out of this situation. God will change your situation. I know that this is not healthy when any one tears you down. God will built your character and self-esteem. I have 2 children in this abusiveness. In Jesus name both kids know the Lord for themselves. I know God has change this person, but still in the process. Yes, you can tell this person stop, and he will. But I say Jesus. Praise the Lord!

  16. Alvaro on May 10, 2010 7:26 pm

    I’ve been married for 13 years. I have 2 boys with my wife and she was previously married. I am always full of excuses and never discussing everything with my wife,so she tells me. She has told me and admitted thatshe is jealous of time. We have to do everything together. No matter what I say it’s my fault. Even if I’m not a home and something happens she finds a way to link it to me. I’ve gotten to the point where I am looking forward to deploy to Iraq. It’s so bad that I now see myself giving it back to her and o know two wrongs don’t make a right but I don’t know how else to make her stop. She plays the God is helping me roll. That i am surrounded b the devil. How can you address that. I know I am a good person I helped raise her 1st two boys and I’ve always done what she wants. She claims to support what I do but there are always conditions. She says I am who I am because of her. Without her I would be where I am at. Bottom line I am always feeling gilty , unsure, stressed and feelng lke I can’t do anything without her approval. I said I wanted to record our conversation and she told me “don’t be ridiculous”. If she is right then she shouldn’t fear the recorder.

    I am lost, scared and stressed. She even makes me feel like God is not helping me. I am a soldier and I do know how to survive but this emotional ride I’m on is killing me. Please help me understand how to get out of this feeling and life I’m in

  17. VT Lady on May 29, 2010 2:56 am

    Great information, I just bookmarked you.

    Sent from my iPad 4G

  18. tmarie on September 7, 2010 6:54 pm

    Wow glad to find this…been working on all of Patricia Evans books. Love that you mention God…I couldn’t have survived without His Love and healing…Have a long way too go…lots of layers to allow Him to peel! It was 40 years in that relationship…so many times I tried to help him understand…until we were just “passing ships” in an empty house who avoided each other until the inevitalbe had to happen…divorce…even wrote a poem on it!

    My life is so upside down now. Some days I see the light…God is good for those moments. But so many roots of abuse need to be taken out, so many tenacles of “who am I” need healing. I will continue to Trust in God and wait and work with His Love to heal me. I pray for my x and hope he doesn’t do this all over again to someone else. His whole side of his family works from this perspective and my grown children are affected forever and now 7 grandkids do not have Grandpa and Grandma in the same house. So sad, so sad, But I believe in Gods miracles and hopefully there is life now coming again. The divorce is only valid now for a couple months and the “roller coaster” of emotions goes on and on. Thank you for caring for partners in this horrible illness.

  19. wjp on September 27, 2010 12:38 am

    I’ve read all of Patricia Evans and she helped so much. Thanks for the Andrew Womach advice. I am about to go to his site. After 15 years you would think I would be over this or would have learned how to handle it. I choose to stay and I constantly wonder why. I wish I knew how to leave. Thanks so much for your faithfulness.

  20. Nina on October 1, 2010 4:40 pm

    Well I see it has been a while since anyone has posted,so I pray it will be read. I’m 53 years old and have been in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage for 10 years. I was married to my childrens father for 18 years, he was a bad alcoholic. I got into this relationship before I was even divorced. He had some anger but never directed at me. Then we moved 3 hours away from my church family, and lifelong friends, a new beginning he called it. I know now I was being groomed to be his victim.I allowed him to verbally abuse my kids, then 12 and 14. As well as his son that was 6. I have been in counseling for 3 years and I am blessed, he has been in counseling as well and the last yr the rages have stopped. I always believed that if there was no anger everything would be OK…Now I find myself having a really hard time not being a victim anymore…I don’t even like him, I am so angry at myself for being so scared and not protecting my biological children.We have been living as room mates for about a month now…He said a mean thing and actually called his ex to wish her a happy birthday(a woman he loathes) and in his cellphone he has her listed as boobs from the past..How do I move on..I don’t know if I can ever have feelings for him again. Thanks for listening

  21. Doug on February 19, 2011 2:06 am

    I just wanted to say thanks for helping speak up about verbal abuse. It is the insidious form of abuse that is seldom taken seriously by the church. I am constantly amazed at the churches response to women involved in verbally and emotionally abusive relationships. Keep up the good work.

    psalms 91

  22. Bryan on March 9, 2011 11:08 am

    I get abused by a man and i cry behind my bed and i weep.

  23. Louise on March 17, 2011 5:04 pm

    I am so glad that I found this site and thanks for the information on where to get more information. I am in an abusive relationship with my daughter. I moved out to the west coast to help her with the kids while she is going in a new direction. I have prayed about this allot. She has a drinking problem, and I feel that God wants me in this situation at this time. She is verbally abusive towards me almost on a daily basis. I usually try to take it with a grain of salt, but yesterday I blew up at her. I don’t know if I can stay in this situation much longer. Thanks again for your insightful messages.

  24. on March 23, 2011 2:11 am

    It has taken me until now (Im in my early 60′s) to realise that my brother has been putting me down and verbally abusing me whenever I was in contact with him. More recently I realised that an in- law ( I cannot name the person) was most probably another verbal abuser. I had lost my self belief, believing that my brother was right in the things he said about me. It is so clever how these people manipulate you, and turn your world upside down in a very insidious way. This time with the in-law I realised what he was trying to do to me, and when I confronted him, it was like all hell broke loose. Instead of having a discussion (something he is incapable of) he tried to convince the Police that it is me with the problem. He also went to see my G.P., to try and convince her. He failed on both counts, but he was very believable. Now that he knows that I am aware of his personality disorder, (call it what you like), he has tried to isolate me from my family, by turning them against me, or trying to. Fortunately they are now wise to him. By the way he is charming, but lacks any empathy or conscience, lying his way into and out of jobs. He is out of my life now, I just pray, that the person he is most affecting by his bullying, eventually has the strength to leave him. Your article helped tremendously, as to heal, you somehow have to start believing in yourself again, and I have prayed to God for the strength to recover from this verbal abuse. I am nearly there. Thank you for giving me more clarity on this.

  25. Ben on May 26, 2011 6:25 am

    I am a Christian man who has been married for 33 years, and just last year identified verbal abuse from my wife as a problem. Patricia Evans says it is not unusual to go that long and not identify it. Numerous counselors over the years missed it.
    You state, “A person…born again and filled with the Holy Spirit cannot deliver anger…” My wife is a Spirit-filled Christian who was severely abused as a child. Andrew Wommack is her favorite teacher. She is loved by many outside our home because she is a caring, insightful, godly woman. But as I understand it, I represent the abuser to her, and she has to control me to protect herself, even though I am in no way abusive to her. It’s complex! I have struggled to demonstrate my love for her in romantic ways, because this abuse, often “under the radar,” has sabotaged my identity and destroyed intimacy. I have no intention of leaving, and continue to pray and work at it.

  26. rosa on August 6, 2011 8:15 pm

    thank you for caring. your article collaborated with the word of God. my husband is very abusive verbally, he seem to have a bipolar disease also, but prayer is the answer to every problem in life, and i am believing that God can and will bring him healing. It is good to be knowledgeable on the subject and also read others comments,there is hope in God. I refuse to be a victim, i refuse to live in fear, i refuse to give in to retaliation(any more by the grace of God) I claim victory for my husband who needs Jesus and His love. thanks again for info

  27. rena on September 7, 2011 10:21 pm

    Wow! Your article is amazing. I have been verbaly and physicaly abused by my family for 21 years and am trying to break away to stop it. Your words hit home with me, with God you can heal. I have already started healing thanks to the Lord. I don’t know how to stop the abuse anymore though, it seems no matter what I do they find a way to hurt me again. I am going to get the books you mentioned to help me more. Thank you and God bless you

  28. Monica on September 14, 2011 2:21 pm

    I thank everyone for posting their responses. I have been in a verbally abusive marriage for 12 yrs and have three kids. My husband is very insecure and jealous. He checks my phones, email and accounts on a regular evades all of my privacy. Every time I get a new job he feels all the men at my job I am cheating on him. He t any questions me all the time about any man that I know. I do not even like him anymore, I have left him on three times already, but went back. He does not provide for his family he claims he is an enntrepreneur!!! My mom calls him plain lazy and never will change. I Feel like I lost 12 yrs of my life that I cannnot never get back! To stand up for myself I become loud towards him. He calls me selfish and he tells me I need God! I know that i am really nice person and God knows my heart. I planning on leaving him again very soon I just do not love him builds so much anger inside of me.

  29. Rose on October 10, 2011 9:55 pm

    I am a Christian woman who has endured over 20 years of verbal, emotional, economic and sexual abuse from my angry, abusive, controlling husband. It is so disheartening that after years of out cries for help pursuing marriage counselors, church involvement, Bible Studies, etc….that NO ONE noticed or even thought to mention to me that I may be a “VICTIM of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!” I am glad that I finally had enough and realized after all those years of promises to change , that he never would. He was successful in tearing up my heart and self esteem and even more madenning…he was able to literally steal 98% of all of our marital assets by hiding money with family members, etc…. I am just grateful that I have finally left and that I have been blessed to find a man who is a true, friend, thoughtful and respectful gentleman, and a loving soul unlike my husband. I also wish I did not stay so long..one of the reasons..as many do..”For the children,” Because now my boys really don’t know what a “normal and respectful, loving husband” looks like/acts like. And I have my daughter has already figured out she does not want to marry a man like her “control freak father.”

  30. Chris on October 29, 2011 12:54 am

    I have just started my search to understand why I feel so sad in my marriage of 35 years. I now have to admit that it is because of verbal abuse, I have been living with the same hurtful and crazy behavior durring the entire marriage. I have been blamed for his cheating on me, and I and the children are the reason why he does not like coming home. He has placed everything he could in place of our marriage ,other woman,working late and not coming home until the day is over,school ( he now feels he needs another degree at the age of 57), he has taken out loans in both are names without telling..he keeps telling me I am living in the past with the hurts and the lies and it is over so I should not talk about it any longer. Now 2 years ago he thought he got another woman pregnant and did not tell me for 2 years he got drunk and told me this. I insisted on a D N A test and it was not his. How stupid he had even signed the birth certificate and put this child on his medical insurance while I paid for our medical insurance. O less I forget I now have HPV from him and he could care less. He keeps telling me I am bitter and negative. Really I wonder why. I pray God has not left me I am so ashamed and hurt I can’t sleep and I stay on edge waiting for the next foolishness. He now wants to be a Deacon in the church.

  31. Suzan on November 19, 2011 6:46 pm

    I was engaged to an abuser. I saw the signs initially, but ignored them because I loved him. As time went on, and the name-calling started and the blame games and mind-messing grew and found myself alienated and hurt beyond all belief, I at first blamed myself. But thank God I woke up and realized HE was the one with problems. My advice to anyone still living with an abuser is to IGNORE ANYTHING THEY SAY AND DO NOT RESPOND. They eventually will realize they aren’t upsetting you (their goal to make their self feel superior, because deep down they know they are insecure, incapable little pissants) and retreat to a place where they can be alone–usually suffering a psychological “crash”. I also found it helpful to have a tape recorder handy, and tape the abuse. I played it to my pastor and my church brothers and sisters (because they just could not believe what I was telling them), and they confronted him. Needless to say, I never married him. Rather than dwelling on why the abuser is so abusive, I began to question why I stayed with him for as long as I did? Turns out I had to deal with some core issues. And after I did, it was came very easy to tell him to take a flying leap and never talk to me again. (BTW, I also had to file a restraining order).

  32. Sarah on November 21, 2011 4:22 pm

    What do you do when you or someone you love is a victim of verbal/emotional abuse, and the abuser doesn’t even know what they are doing? I truly believe that my dad is trying the best he can to protect and care for my family, but the way he goes about it can be hurtful at times.

    I am 21 and still living at home because I feel like I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own. My little sister is 15; going through puberty is tough enough without the kind of anger circulating in our house. I feel like I am also staying for her, because I feel without me she would have no one to cry to. My mother is emotionally distant from us, and everything. She is overweight, has problems sleeping and won’t do anything about it. I can tell she is lonely, scared and emotionally worn out. She blames herself for all the problems my family has.

    “All the problems” being this: neither myself nor my sister have ever gotten drunk, knocked up, or abused drugs. We’ve always been good kids. We have our stubborn streaks like all young people do, but we care about our family and do what we think will please our parents (mostly our dad), even at the cost of our own pleasure. I have no social life. I rarely go out and do things with friends. The only problem my family has is the anger. The outbursts from my dad; the guilt trips, the paranoid delusions that make me cringe every night at the dinner table. He’ll take one thing and blow it entirely out of proportion.
    To mom:
    “You forgot to put salsa on the table. Now I can’t enjoy my tacos, because I have cold salsa! Why can’t you remember anything!? You’d forget your own name if I didn’t tell you!”
    -That sort of thing is a nightly occurrence. My sister and I consider ourselves lucky if that’s all that happens. We love our dad, but celebrate in spite of ourselves if we find out he won’t be home that evening. “We can play video games without him nagging us about how useless it is! We can watch TV without him critiquing every scene, every line! We can talk and laugh without being yelled at that we’re being too loud, or talking too fast!”

    Becky and I are mostly unhappy because of the way he treats mom. He has a way of turning everything around on her. He delegates tasks to her, and when they don’t get done, he throws a fit. (They both work full time.) He blames his stress and anger on work, and on a wife who “hasn’t been a partner or friend for many years.”

    He’s emotional. He always says “I get it,” or “you don’t understand.” He’s needy. And sometimes mom doesn’t fulfill that need. I can relate. Sometimes I’m frustrated by my mom’s actions. Sometimes we fight. But no matter what she’s “done to him” doesn’t excuse his out-of-control behavior all the time. He’s been known to break things in anger. He always keeps himself in check and doesn’t hit us (I remember he almost hit mom once, but stopped himself).

    He has to be in control of everything. The remote, making dinner. Everything has to go his way. He thinks he deserves to be in charge. He deserves to get his way. If we try to correct him, even in the most inane conversation, he takes it as a personal attack.

    I don’t think my dad intentionally controls me, at least very much, anymore. Now that I’m 21, I think he realizes that I deserve a certain degree of freedom, but he still makes me call every time I leave a location. He honestly thinks that me doing this makes me safer. That if I was attacked, he would hear it, know where I was last, and come rescue me. I don’t think it’s an excuse; I think he truly believes it.

    There are other factors too complicated to fully describe here. He has problems with his mother and brother, involving perceived favoritism (which is sometimes true, as I have personally witnessed). But still, the horrible things he says and does can’t just be excused away. Any attempt to talk with him results in him perceiving an attack, defending himself, and then launching on the world.

    He almost always apologizes. Because I love him, I forgive him. For the most part he is a good dad – he provides for us, and we’ve never wanted for anything. We have a boat, a trailer, snowmobiles and several cars. We go on family trips all the time. All. The. Time. If Becky and I want to stay home a few weekends in a row, it must be because we don’t appreciate him. I’ve been hanging out with friends more recently, and he suspects I’m seeing someone. I’m not. It hurts, because I’ve never given him any reason to think I sleep around.

    The list goes on and on. I’m sorry for posting so much blather, I just really needed to get some of this off my chest. I feel useless and desperate, hating my life. So many years of up and down, joy and pain, has left me confused and conflicted. I love my family. I truly do. I just want to know how to heal the wounds. That’s all I want.

  33. Rhapsody on December 30, 2011 8:14 pm

    Thank you for inspiring me w/such a great posting.

    I realized that I had been a victim of abuse for a long time. I would have to say that for me, it stems from my upbringing because my mother and father were both physically, mentally and verbally abusive towards me. As a result, w/no counseling involved, I seemed to attract people that constantly would denigrate my character. I could never stand up for myself because I was either afraid, intimidated and or I had perceived myself as weak for not being able to handle a little criticism. At least this the lie that satan used abusive people to instill into me.
    There finally came a time where my body couldnt adhere to it any longer and thank God God knew me and was able to bring me to reality and He helped me see the type of self defeating behaviours I had learnt to suppress my shame, hurt and rejection. One scripture that has been circling my season is ” my people perish due to lack of knowledge”. I was that person that was perishing because of my ignorance. God had removed a veil that I had wore for so long.

    One thing I have to add is ungodly soul ties keep victims attached to their abusers and that’s often why you can shake it off by ignoring a mean person. And one way to get rid of the ungodly spiritual connection is to disconnect from that person completely. This means to remove all objects that belong to that person and pray God to remove all demonic forces that maybe tormenting you as a result of that ungodly soul tie. Ungodly soul ties form in sin and there a legal entry is offered to corruptive affairs.That revelation changed my life and reading things like this only reinforces the truth and keeps me on guard. It now makes sense why the bible says GUARD YOUR HEARTS cuz there’s some weird people out there.

    thank u again for this post:) God bless

  34. Anonymous on February 16, 2012 10:42 pm

    Denise, thank you for writing this article. My husband of 31 years has always been a verbal abuser. He throws fits of yelling and name calling. He reminds me of a fervent minister at a revival.
    At first, I was a young wife very much in love. I believed his calm side when telling me how much he loved and needed me. Then two kids were born. No, he did not get better. I stayed and the kids, now as adults, say I did the right thing.
    I followed my sister’s advice and taped him with a recorder. I finally got some support from my parents. I had not invovled them but one time recently. At that time I had gotten absoulutely no support. Upon hearing the tape they understood my problem. They are very supportive now.
    The tape has also been listened to by the minester and an elder. The other elder will be listening soon. My husband is an elder,but he won’t be soon. The minister is going to have him step down.
    I don’t know if they can help me,but this article did. I am on a roller coaster of feeling okay and feeling terrible. But enough is enough. I’m 53 and not healthy. Our parents are aging and not healthy. I need an adult for support, not this. If he wants to be a caring adult, maybe God can help him – if my husband will try.
    I didn’t even get a call for Valentine’s Day – I was at my parents. That really hurt. If he wants to be alone and have the freedom to drink lots of beer and be with young people so be it. At least others will understand that he is not the great guy he pretends to be in public. After that is understood, whatever I do will be understood. I still hope and pray for a complete change. I want a good supportive partner. Why, after what he has said, I don’t know. But this is definitely a crossroads.

  35. Lorna on March 30, 2012 1:23 am

    I hear my story in so many of your comments and my heart aches for each and every one of you. Rose, I too have cried out to the church and literally begged other male family friends to do an intervention. I am the second of three wives my ex has now had and at 56 years old, he still continues to carry on. Were it not for strength from my Lord Jesus, I would not be here today to speak up about this. My 13 year old son is now recognizing the sad truth of who his father is, and it breaks my heart. I stayed married for 10yrs and 2 weeks…all for the sake of my stepkids who I raised because their mother fled from the man who charmed me into being his next victim if you will. My life has been hell as my ex promised and today was no exception. This is as close as I will ever get to hell and I am so thankful for encouraging articles such as this. I plan on starting a facebook page with a cause perhaps as simple as Stand Up Against Abuse. Until then, if you would like to friend me on FB, you can find me under Lorna Johnson Moreno. Each and every one of you will be in my prayers and may you find yourselves in the hands of Jesus, safe, secure and loved beyond measure. Blessings and hope for a more peaceful tomorrow. With love, from a fellow Survivor. Keep on and NEVER EVER GIVE UP!!! God created each and every one of us for a reason and the best is yet to come! xo

  36. Anonymous on April 27, 2012 7:29 pm

    I want to Thank you SO MUCH for sharing
    Your life and be obedient to how God has
    Definitely called you to serve. I am a firm
    & practicing Believer & you are absolutely
    Right, we can do nothing without God. I am
    In the process of leaving a verbal abusive
    Relationship & you do struggle especially
    When u have a Beautiful innocent child
    Involved. I believe God did speak to me to
    Read your words. They were so encouraging.
    I am for sure going to get the books you
    Recommended. I also strongly feel God allows
    Us to walk thru the storms at times in life
    So we will finally allow him to do his job &
    Calms the storms. It’s when we try to be God
    & be in control when life is not in accordance
    With the will of God. Thanku again, you truly
    Are a gift. Glory to God & God Bless…

  37. Anonymous on May 24, 2012 6:35 pm

    I love this line: “That pain is actually rebuking the devil that tried to enter your spirit to try to destroy you as a child of God. The pain of God helping you in the fight against the devil and pushing the devil out of your spirit, replacing evil with good.”

    I remember when I told one of my friend’s about the verbal abuse from my ex. I told her that I felt like Satan was trying to kill me. She paused and said…well…he did come to steal, kill, and destroy. I was like…OH YEAH!!!

    I’m so thankful that God is the winner and that I know things said against me are lies. I know that God loves me and he can provide someone who loves me as I am and who won’t try to control me through yelling and put-downs! God is the victor!!!

  38. Chris on August 21, 2012 7:11 am

    I am so glad God lead me to this website. I have grown up in a verbal, mental and emotional abuse family. I feel stemmed from the abuse of alcohol. My parents were alcoholics, mostly my dad and they did alot of yelling at each other every day for all of my life and my siblings life. They stayed married for almost 57 years, never divorced, but had mentioned it when I turned 18, but never did. They didn’t stay together out of love for each other, they both didn’t know what love was, they stayed out of convience and because one felt sorry for the other, and mostly out of co-dependency. I remember telling them as a child to get a divorce, I always thought everyone else had a normal family and mine was so disfunctional. I only remember having love displayed through getting what I wanted materially and lack of doing what I wanted. I had no discipline, no boundaries. I only learned after becoming an adult that this was all wrong and this was why I made bad choices as a teenager, because I did not respect my parents at all and could talk back and basically get away with anything. I also grew up in an immoral environment with my dad allowing my mom to cheat on him for a long period of time. I saw how it hurt my dad but he never stopped it. I saw how my mom to this day never has regret or feels bad for what she did. I developed shame, guilt and insecure feelings which followed me into my marriage. I said I never wanted my family to become like mine was. I said I never wanted my kids to see me drink alcohol and didn’t want to argue in front of my kids. I didn’t want my children to experience what I did. But unfortunately, no matter how hard I tried to do the right thing and even sought God in my life and became a born again believer, I still failed in certain areas of my marriage and family. I allowed alcohol to slip in at times and I allowed verbal, mental and emotional abuse to seep in, I found myself living with a man who was verbally and mentally abusive to me and my children. I have been married for 27 years to the same man and my children are now adults and my daughter still suffers the effects of it. She has had a problem with men in her life, as well as a bad temper, abuse with alcohol. My twin sons have abused drugs and alcohol and have had problems with girl relationships. I have been back and forth with the idea of ending the marriage so much and never have. I remember my dad making it clear to me that he made a vow and no matter what my mom did he would not leave her. I never liked that idea, because I saw how hurt he was and what it did to our family. I always said I would leave if things go bad and wouldnt put up with anything like my parents. But I am still married and still trying to make things better. I believe in Hope and in God and that with God all things are possible. I believe things happen for a reason and if I keep trusting God, things will either get better or it will end, in Gods time something will happen. I don’t want to give up because God doesn’t give up on me. I believe God brought my husband into my life to rescue me from the life I lived at home, it use to be good in the beginning and I beleive its when we turned our back on God and started living life our way when things started going bad. I truly believe, the closer I get to God, the more He will change things for the good or bad. But all things work together for the good of those who love Him. I do love God and I do believe what he says to be true. I understand why my husband does what he does and I know God loves him too. I believe God is using me in his life and I will see the fruit of it if I don’t give up. I know if it wasn’t for knowing God, I would have givin up and I would have left a long time ago, I believe one day my daughter and her dad will have a wonderful relationship and it will be restored. I refuse to give in to lies from the devil and let him win and destroy our lives by leaving and giving up. It’s just not who God is.

  39. connie on September 24, 2012 11:44 pm

    thank you for your article. It really helped me by validating what I went through when i was in my 20 yr marraige. Iv been divorced from my alcoholic verbal abuser xspouse for 6 yrs. But only came onto this site recently because now my daughter is dealing with the same person, same problem. I am starting her in counseling and i am keeping her from the visits until he finally gets help to stop the behavior, and she gets the tools from her counselor to understand it is emotionally damaging and its okay stay away and make the abuser accountable. Stay strong, know it may get worse before it can get better.

  40. Collys on October 22, 2012 12:46 am

    Im greatful for what I’ve just read, it has really opened my mind and to see Im not alone in such a misarable life. I’ve been in a verba abusive relationship for over 10 yrs now. My husband’s background is from a verbal abusive family and hes doing like his father did to his mother. This is killing me bcos my character is not that of a vocal person and he’s taking advantage of that.Responding to his accusations is like putting off a fire with paraffin. He’s a prominent and trusted pastor such that no one will ever believe me in our denomination. We are both christians and people think everthing is okey the way he talks nice about his wife. Now I’ve told myself enough is enough, I want God to deal with him in his own way. I no longer entertain his critics, accusations whaterver he does bcoz I’m tired. What can I do my mind is some kind not stable in my thinking, I forget even minor things, my self-esteem is destroyed I dont feel confident in my self. One doctor said my heart beat not normal bcoz I think a lot which is true.

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