Are You a Victim of Verbal Abuse?
Filed Under Thoughts from Denise | 15 Comments
This article is intended to help women and men to understand and identify the signs of verbal abuse. Because of events in my life, I have discovered this is my ministry. I have been wandering through life asking myself what is my purpose as I know we all have a purpose through God. I now know my purpose, my ministry, is to enlighten people about verbal abuse and hopefully to save at least one person from its grips. I hope to save many but if I save only one then my ministry has fulfilled its purpose. During a day of ministry from a strong woman of faith, a woman saved from the grips of depression and bi-polar disorder, something important was said, “Pain may be to take you out of your comfort zone to get you where you need to be”. That was my “a ha” moment. Yes my pain has been to get me where I need to be, to my purpose, my calling and my own growth. My purpose is to enlighten as many as I can about verbal abuse. I don’t claim to be an expert in this field but because of personal experiences and the confusion I have felt, I want to guide those that I can. And I want to guide from a secular and spiritual approach. Know that God can heal all through His love. He can also help you deal with this problem. If you are not a believer, I encourage you to read on as you are here because you are searching for help. Somewhere in this article you may receive your “a ha” moment.Verbal abuse can come from parent, spouse, boss, friend, child. It is a confusing situation to be in because, without the knowledge and understanding of this “violence”, you remain in an internal battle trying to decifer what is happening. What you need is knowledge, and as the saying goes, knowledge is power. And power is what you need to stop the verbal abuse. From a secular approach, I highly recommend reading every book by Patricia Evans on this topic such as Controlling People, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Abusive Survivors Speak Out. Patricia Evans has published more books about this topic. Andrew Wommack has several books/CD that address issues such as this; one specifically is Harnessing Your Emotions. This reading is highly beneficial for all involved.
If you are reading this article you are probably confused and needing some type of direction. There are signs that will help you identify if you are caught up in a verbal abusive situation. Such as:
• Do you spend your days with your spouse/person in your relationship wondering when the next little thing is going to cause them to “dump” on you?
• Do you tip toe around hoping to keep things calm?
• Do you constantly wonder what you are doing wrong to cause this person to act out to you in a way that is demeaning?
• Do you treat this person nicer and nicer in hopes that he/she will see you are a nice person and start treating you better?
• Did your spouse treat you better when you dated then after you got married?
• Do you find yourself emotionally troubled to the point of staying sick?
• Do you find this person picking fights with you over things that are insignificant?
• Does this person treat you wonderful in public, in front of family and friends, but once you are out of site of others you are verbally “attacked”?
• Does this person drive recklessly with you in the car when they have reached one of their anger moments?
• Is this person inconsiderate of your feelings, wants or desires?
• Do you feel like your self-esteem has been stolen?
• Is it your relationship getting you down?
If you can relate to any of these points you need to educate yourself by reading the books I mentioned above. But, you are probably in a verbal abusive relationship. In The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans she provided a research study of women that had been physically abused numerous times to the point of requiring medical attention. The study asked these women what was worse, verbal or physical abuse, and the response was, 100% said verbal abuse was worse than physical abuse. The difference in the two, we don’t have bruises to show and prove the oppression we are under in our life when we are verbally abused as compared to someone physically abused. We have nothing to show outwardly as to what is going on behind those closed doors in our so called safe haven. If we try to tell friends or family what is happening we find it hard to describe. We also have to face the fact that everyone on the outside feels like the abuser is such a “nice” person, so friendly and outgoing.
You may be asking, why does this person treat me this way. Patricia Evans describes in her books that as a result of a traumatic experience the person does not develop emotionally into what we see as normal. Or, in my own words, the person is not capable of dealing with reality in the realm of normalcy. To quote scripture, and my opinion of the root of the problem, Psalm 36: 1-4,
1 – An oracle within my heart concerning the transgression of the wicked: There is no fear of God before his eyes.
2- For he flatters himself in his own eyes, when he finds out his iniquity and when he hates.
3- The words of his mouth are wickedness and deceit; he has ceased to be wise and to do good.
4- He devises wickedness on his bed; he sets himself in a way that is not good; he does not abhor evil.
A person that has truly been born again and filled with the Holy Spirit cannot deliver anger to another. God is love. I quote from Andrew Wommack’s book Harnessing Your Emotions, “There are truths and instructions in God’s Word that, if followed and applied, I unconditionally guarantee will cause you to live an emotionally stable life.” “All of our problems began when we separated ourselves from God and began to do our own thing and make our own decisions.”
Emotions, in this case anger, are not something that just happens. We are accountable for our emotions. Anger is a choice. We can choose to be angry or choose understanding and love. Without understanding that we are fully responsible for our actions to each other, that our emotions are not a result of our past, we cannot step out of the chains that bind us. We cannot blame the things of our past for our current behavior, or use the things from our past as a crutch to justify inappropriate behavior. We must seek guidance, spiritually from God’s word. If you are not a spiritual person (but I hope something in this article will move you to find God) then read Patricia Evan’s books for your guidance. Or just read everything you can to help you in your search for help.
There are ways to deal with a verbal abuser. You can stand up for yourself, but do it from love. The love God has for us all. That person that is abusing you, know that God loves that person too. It may be that you are in that person’s life to guide them to where they really need to be. It won’t be easy. Know that once you start to stand up for yourself the abuse my get worse because your abuser will feel out of control by recognizing they are loosing control over you. You must recognize that the abuser doesn’t feel anything (they are unable to fear God). They are unable to recognize their oppressive behavior. Know that the abuser speaks the opposite of the truth. And most of all know that no matter what you say to the abuser they will not believe you are correct in your feelings or thoughts or needs. Don’t let the abuser draw you into any conversation where you feel like your having to justify yourself or the situation. You will get no where. To quote a section of Verbal Abusive Survivors Speak Out on Relationship and Recovery by Patricia Evans, “93% of those who were in verbally abusive relationships were able to recognize that the abuser’s behavior grew worse over time- more abusive, and angrier.” You can try looking at your abuser and just saying Stop. Don’t respond in any other way, just say Stop. Patricia Evans addresses ways to deal with abusive behavior in her books. Please recognize that you are in no way responsible for your abusers behavior. They will try every way to make you feel responsible for all the bazaar behavior that is directed towards you. But stand strong and become empowered. Realize that the person’s behavior is not in alignment with God’s Word. Learn all you can about verbal abuse. Understand that God can help deliver a person from anything that is not good in Gods eyes. You must believe.
You may feel that your self-esteem has been stolen and you need to make yourself whole again. I can tell you that if you get out of the relationship you will feel the pain. I have tried to put my finger on why, even though I know God guided me through my situations, why that “pain” can be so strong when I have the knowledge and understanding. The only answer that makes sense for me is that it is the spirit that is broken. Rebuilding your spirit is a feeling that is beyond words. But I have come to my own way to summarize the pain of rebuilding your spirit. That pain is actually rebuking the devil that tried to enter your spirit to try to destroy you as a child of God. The pain of God helping you in the fight against the devil and pushing the devil out of your spirit, replacing evil with good. Taking back His child and helping make her whole again. Know that God is the reason you are reading this article. Know that you are, from this day forward, going to begin the walk towards creating a whole person again. If you have been in your relationship for 1 year or 40 years you are on the beginning of being empowered.
Earlier I stated that pain may be to take you out of your comfort zone to get you where you need to be. I was taken out of my comfort zone. During an Andrew Wommack gospel seminar on God’s Love I had to swallow my pride and understand the true meaning of forgiveness and being filled with God’s love. Through all of this I have seen that God is the answer for all of our problems. Change your thinking and you will change your outcome. We are what we think. Andrew Wommack has another book that I would highly recommend entitled Anger Management. A must read for understanding anger and God’s intention for this emotion that He gave to us.
If you in any way feel that you may be a victim of verbal abuse I hope you have become
enlightened by this article and I pray that you educate yourself further. Andrew Wommack has numerous publications available through his website: www.awmi.net. Patricia Evans website is: www.verbalabuse.com.
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Comments
15 Comments so far
Wow! I’m so glad I found your article today. Some key things you said really hit home for me in confirming my fears of being in a verbal abuse relationship. My biggest obstacle and fear right now is whether I should leave or stay.
You are a God Send to people. I was here 2x in my life and by the Grace of God survived it alone becuase I was too afraid to tell anyone. Please keep going there are plenty of people that need to hear the things you have said.
God Bless You!
You really inspired me to live my purpose because deep inside I want to help people who are in abusive situations to rebuild themselves, just as I had. I read your article and I know exactly how you felt when you got out of that abusive situation. It was like a part of you felt ashamed and wrong (false truth) because the abuser distorts your reality and the other part turns to god to see your truth. I’ve read Patricia Evans on my search towards healing from my verbally and physically abusive father. Some of the scriptures were the same exact words my father spoke, to not only me but girlfriends, his ex wife and us kids. I finally realized the only way I would heal was to end the relationship and learn forgiveness. I pray to god from my heart that I can get past this, and im on my way! You are right that you can’t blame your past for the future. Everytime I have turned to god and spiritually, he brought me to a peaceful place of growth and empowerment. Thanks again for the article and god bless.
I have had abuse in my life since I was a child. I am now 64 and just getting out of another abusive relationship for probably the 4th time. I have been going to a Christian counselor now for the past 2 years. It has really helped – if I can just stay away from this guy, I would be ok. Guess I get lonely and wonder over there after he sweet talks me – just went through another round of abuse yesterday and today feel terrible – any help you can offer would be appreciated. Can’t believe I am so weak.
I want to thank you for doing this page and giving that useful advice and places to find more information about the matter. My biggest problem is not inside my own home meaning my husband and children but with outsiders like my co-workers, bosses, and sometimes friends, in laws, or siblings. Of course I’ve been battling with my own parents for more than 40 years with psychological therapies, but at this point, I feel I’ve reached the point that I’m starting to handle my father and I think that I’m in the middle of the way with my mother. I know that I have the power to overcome all these situations through God’s help and I also think that I need to learn about anger management because those two problems are closely related in my case and I want to be nor the victim neither the perpetrator.
I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown trying to survive my relationship with a man dependant on drugs and alcohol. The only thing that saved me was turning back to God. If i had truly been living by His Word i would not be in the mess i am in. But i am praying every day for the strength I need to survive until the end of our lease. I also pray that he too will turn to God, but i can’t do more than that. It is so bad now that i find i start the fights to get it over and done with. He is now telling me that I am abusive and I am standing to question if he is right. I feel like I am living with someone posessed by satan and that the more i stand up for myself and turn to God the more he fights back. I would appreciate your prayers.
Hi,
I am a victim of chronic verbal abuse. I am a man. I attempted suicide 3 days ago.In the worst moments of that I day,I somehow pulled myself to read your article among others. I am still badly effected and have bought Pat Evans book for further knowledge. I am in a relationship for over a year. I am not married yet. I did many things, in the name of love to cope with verbal abuse and extreme name calling, often believing its my fault and consequently apologizing. In the initial stages, I could bear it but it became worse. I started self harming, often crying and slapping myself and beating myself up in order to relieve myself of the emotional pain. I was then accused to be a psycho for beating myself up. The abuse did not stop. I have been threatened on being dumped all the time. I lost myself now. I hope my story would help others to realise if they go thru the same. I believe, no matter what, if you love someone, profanity and verbal abuse should never happen. I am looking to rebuild myself again, as I need to find the strength to move forward positively.
I am a verbally abused victim. I have been married for 21 years and have a daugher 19 and son 17. I am 45 and I am finally realizing I have been verbally abused. My daughter, son and I are going through christian counseling and I am in the process of leaving. But I am somewhat scared because we have a home together and I want to sale the house so I can get another home by myself. I am going to tell him with his parents and my pastor present so it will be some accountability. He thinks alot of his mom. My husband has caused anger in my kids, and I have been a wife who has lived a closed door life for years. The screams, threats and control sometimes leaves me in a room crying for a long time. My husband does not even take care of his responsibilities in the home like he suppose to and I have been hiding that and making him look good in front of others for 21 years. I have been his help mate and he has never seen it. I needed to be reassured that I am doing the right thing. I can sometimes remember the horrible way he has treated me and I thought I was all alone. I needed to hear that you overcame by the blood of the lamb and the word of your testimony. Rev 12:11. I have had many medical problems, thyroid problems, bells palsy, diagnosed with a muscle disease called polymyositis and recently was put on blood pressure medicine. My friend who is a physician assistant said it is stress. Well I know this is long but thanks for reading.
Thanks for writing this article. It really hits home for me. I’ve been seperated from my husband for 4 months. I endured his verbal abuse for 20 years. Our kids have suffered along with me. I just wanted it to stop and finally convinced him to leave. My husband is in ministry, is outgoing and well liked. But at home his anger ruled us all. It’s been tough because recently i’ve begun to miss him and it’s lonely at times without him. But the new found peace I have in my home is what keeps me going. I’m trying to wait on the Lord to guide everything I do now. If I were allowed to share one tidbit of advise it would be to slow down,listen and wait on the Lord. I’ve gotten myself into so much trouble making decisions without Him.
Thank you so much for writing this article. I’m so inspired by the advice given. I was only in the abusive situation for 6 months, but it felt like i was in the sitation for ever. This person violated me more ways than i’m willing to say and I kept going back for more because some how, i thought i was doing something to cause his abusive behavior. I was confiding in my friends but they kept making excuses for him and telling me that i should give it time because it takes time to make a relationship work. But deep down in side, i knew it was not me. I’ve never been in an absuive relationship, therefore, i did not no the signes. I’m a beliver that everything happens for a reason. Hinsight is 20/20 and you can’t see certain things when your are caught up with the abuser. I recived my Ah ha moment. I beleive i was suppose to meet this person in order to learn certain things about myself. My lesson from this abusive situation (can’t call it a realtionship)is to love myself no matter what the abuser is telling you. I thank god for this site, because their are so many women out here who is suffering in silence.
Greetings from Denver!
Thought you might appreciate this poem written about verbal abuse in childhood.
Have a great day!
Mike Hall
The Broken Child
By Mike Hall
Your voice was like thunder
that rocked my room and my world.
It shook my soul and crushed my spirit.
Where it came from doesn’t matter.
You were wrong…
the first time
and the last.
There are no excuses
and I am not to blame.
I will not accept that it was
just your way of letting off steam.
Dad, you were a volcano
erupting near my heart.
It wasn’t smoke and ash
that I feared,
it was the suffocating thought
that tortured my brain…
the thought that there was nothing,
nothing in the world
that I could do,
to make you love the broken child
that was too scared to speak
and too hurt to cry.
I have been seperated for 15 months from a 26yr marriage of verbal and emotional abuse, I have 3 children that have suffered their own abuse, what a shame I did not leave in time for them to see what a normal life could be but I know God protected us. However the pain and anger is present in our life, and now we trying to move on after relocating to a new home and state. After reading Patricia Evans book I relized that we were being abused and knew I had to do something, and now I am very glad I did because I am a child of God, I am a good person and not who I was defined to be. Thank you for giving us a chance to tell our story.
I was verbally abused by my half sister..I never knew what was going on until I gave my life to Christ.. my eyes were open to see what she was doing..The scary thing about verbal abuse is the “crazy-making” to me..The abuser makes u feel like ur are just sensitive or they disguise it as a joke..Christ gave me the strength to stand up to her..we I exposed her it wasn’t nice at all. She denied, played the victim and then verbally assault me horribly..I just remained calm and told her the Truth..I’m still healing and with God’s grace I’m walking in the Truth of what He says about me..Verbal abuse is ugly,soooo ugly and evil..I pray for people who are victims..because I was victim I becoming an abuser for a while before I found Christ..God saved me:)
Thank you so much for your words. Now, I do have a question. How do you deal with an abuser that is trying to make you believe that the one that is the abuser is you (in this case me)because in the arguments I am defending myself when he is pouring his poison on me? That’s what my husband does. He says that the one being cruel and evil is me. But it is not like that, I am just defending myself from what he says. I have even said stop, and that does nothing to him. He keeps calling me names, and telling me really hurtful things. Like I am worse than his ex-wife, etc. Any comments?
I am 51 years old, I have been trying so hard to get myself and 2 children, out of this situation. God will change your situation. I know that this is not healthy when any one tears you down. God will built your character and self-esteem. I have 2 children in this abusiveness. In Jesus name both kids know the Lord for themselves. I know God has change this person, but still in the process. Yes, you can tell this person stop, and he will. But I say Jesus. Praise the Lord!