This article is intended to help women and men to understand and identify the signs of verbal abuse. Because of events in my life, I have discovered this is my ministry. I have been wandering through life asking myself what is my purpose as I know we all have a purpose through God. I now know my purpose, my ministry, is to enlighten people about verbal abuse and hopefully to save at least one person from its grips. I hope to save many but if I save only one then my ministry has fulfilled its purpose. During a day of ministry from a strong woman of faith, a woman saved from the grips of depression and bi-polar disorder, something important was said, “Pain may be to take you out of your comfort zone to get you where you need to be”. That was my “a ha” moment. Yes my pain has been to get me where I need to be, to my purpose, my calling and my own growth. My purpose is to enlighten as many as I can about verbal abuse. I don’t claim to be an expert in this field but because of personal experiences and the confusion I have felt, I want to guide those that I can. And I want to guide from a secular and spiritual approach. Know that God can heal all through His love. He can also help you deal with this problem. If you are not a believer, I encourage you to read on as you are here because you are searching for help. Somewhere in this article you may receive your “a ha” moment.Verbal abuse can come from parent, spouse, boss, friend, child. It is a confusing situation to be in because, without the knowledge and understanding of this “violence”, you remain in an internal battle trying to decifer what is happening. What you need is knowledge, and as the saying goes, knowledge is power. And power is what you need to stop the verbal abuse. From a secular approach, I highly recommend reading every book by Patricia Evans on this topic such as Controlling People, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Abusive Survivors Speak Out. Patricia Evans has published more books about this topic. Andrew Wommack has several books/CD that address issues such as this; one specifically is Harnessing Your Emotions. This reading is highly beneficial for all involved.
If you are reading this article you are probably confused and needing some type of direction. There are signs that will help you identify if you are caught up in a verbal abusive situation. Such as:
• Do you spend your days with your spouse/person in your relationship wondering when the next little thing is going to cause them to “dump” on you?
• Do you tip toe around hoping to keep things calm?
• Do you constantly wonder what you are doing wrong to cause this person to act out to you in a way that is demeaning?
• Do you treat this person nicer and nicer in hopes that he/she will see you are a nice person and start treating you better?
• Did your spouse treat you better when you dated then after you got married?
• Do you find yourself emotionally troubled to the point of staying sick?
• Do you find this person picking fights with you over things that are insignificant?
• Does this person treat you wonderful in public, in front of family and friends, but once you are out of site of others you are verbally “attacked”?
• Does this person drive recklessly with you in the car when they have reached one of their anger moments?
• Is this person inconsiderate of your feelings, wants or desires?
• Do you feel like your self-esteem has been stolen?
• Is it your relationship getting you down?
If you can relate to any of these points you need to educate yourself by reading the books I mentioned above. But, you are probably in a verbal abusive relationship. In The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans she provided a research study of women that had been physically abused numerous times to the point of requiring medical attention. The study asked these women what was worse, verbal or physical abuse, and the response was, 100% said verbal abuse was worse than physical abuse. The difference in the two, we don’t have bruises to show and prove the oppression we are under in our life when we are verbally abused as compared to someone physically abused. We have nothing to show outwardly as to what is going on behind those closed doors in our so called safe haven. If we try to tell friends or family what is happening we find it hard to describe. We also have to face the fact that everyone on the outside feels like the abuser is such a “nice” person, so friendly and outgoing.
You may be asking, why does this person treat me this way. Patricia Evans describes in her books that as a result of a traumatic experience the person does not develop emotionally into what we see as normal. Or, in my own words, the person is not capable of dealing with reality in the realm of normalcy. To quote scripture, and my opinion of the root of the problem, Psalm 36: 1-4,
1 – An oracle within my heart concerning the transgression of the wicked: There is no fear of God before his eyes.
2- For he flatters himself in his own eyes, when he finds out his iniquity and when he hates.
3- The words of his mouth are wickedness and deceit; he has ceased to be wise and to do good.
4- He devises wickedness on his bed; he sets himself in a way that is not good; he does not abhor evil.
A person that has truly been born again and filled with the Holy Spirit cannot deliver anger to another. God is love. I quote from Andrew Wommack’s book Harnessing Your Emotions, “There are truths and instructions in God’s Word that, if followed and applied, I unconditionally guarantee will cause you to live an emotionally stable life.” “All of our problems began when we separated ourselves from God and began to do our own thing and make our own decisions.”
Emotions, in this case anger, are not something that just happens. We are accountable for our emotions. Anger is a choice. We can choose to be angry or choose understanding and love. Without understanding that we are fully responsible for our actions to each other, that our emotions are not a result of our past, we cannot step out of the chains that bind us. We cannot blame the things of our past for our current behavior, or use the things from our past as a crutch to justify inappropriate behavior. We must seek guidance, spiritually from God’s word. If you are not a spiritual person (but I hope something in this article will move you to find God) then read Patricia Evan’s books for your guidance. Or just read everything you can to help you in your search for help.
There are ways to deal with a verbal abuser. You can stand up for yourself, but do it from love. The love God has for us all. That person that is abusing you, know that God loves that person too. It may be that you are in that person’s life to guide them to where they really need to be. It won’t be easy. Know that once you start to stand up for yourself the abuse my get worse because your abuser will feel out of control by recognizing they are loosing control over you. You must recognize that the abuser doesn’t feel anything (they are unable to fear God). They are unable to recognize their oppressive behavior. Know that the abuser speaks the opposite of the truth. And most of all know that no matter what you say to the abuser they will not believe you are correct in your feelings or thoughts or needs. Don’t let the abuser draw you into any conversation where you feel like your having to justify yourself or the situation. You will get no where. To quote a section of Verbal Abusive Survivors Speak Out on Relationship and Recovery by Patricia Evans, “93% of those who were in verbally abusive relationships were able to recognize that the abuser’s behavior grew worse over time- more abusive, and angrier.” You can try looking at your abuser and just saying Stop. Don’t respond in any other way, just say Stop. Patricia Evans addresses ways to deal with abusive behavior in her books. Please recognize that you are in no way responsible for your abusers behavior. They will try every way to make you feel responsible for all the bizarre behavior that is directed towards you. But stand strong and become empowered. Realize that the person’s behavior is not in alignment with God’s Word. Learn all you can about verbal abuse. Understand that God can help deliver a person from anything that is not good in Gods eyes. You must believe.
You may feel that your self-esteem has been stolen and you need to make yourself whole again. I can tell you that if you get out of the relationship you will feel the pain. I have tried to put my finger on why, even though I know God guided me through my situations, why that “pain” can be so strong when I have the knowledge and understanding. The only answer that makes sense for me is that it is the spirit that is broken. Rebuilding your spirit is a feeling that is beyond words. But I have come to my own way to summarize the pain of rebuilding your spirit. That pain is actually rebuking the devil that tried to enter your spirit to try to destroy you as a child of God. The pain of God helping you in the fight against the devil and pushing the devil out of your spirit, replacing evil with good. Taking back His child and helping make her whole again. Know that God is the reason you are reading this article. Know that you are, from this day forward, going to begin the walk towards creating a whole person again. If you have been in your relationship for 1 year or 40 years you are on the beginning of being empowered.
Earlier I stated that pain may be to take you out of your comfort zone to get you where you need to be. I was taken out of my comfort zone. During an Andrew Wommack gospel seminar on God’s Love I had to swallow my pride and understand the true meaning of forgiveness and being filled with God’s love. Through all of this I have seen that God is the answer for all of our problems. Change your thinking and you will change your outcome. We are what we think. Andrew Wommack has another book that I would highly recommend entitled Anger Management. A must read for understanding anger and God’s intention for this emotion that He gave to us.
If you in any way feel that you may be a victim of verbal abuse I hope you have become
enlightened by this article and I pray that you educate yourself further. Andrew Wommack has numerous publications available through his website: www.awmi.net. Patricia Evans website is: www.verbalabuse.com.
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